This isn’t me. Except it is.

I couldn’t possibly be a victim of abuse. Not me. No way.

I distinctly remember a family friend handing me a form. It was an abuse checklist from the women’s shelter where she volunteered.  I was confused.  She told me she was there for me if I needed to talk.  

This is not me. Why did she give this to me?

I had literally just left my husband of 6 years (8 years together) because he had been cheating on me for the last 18 months.  I was broken.  

His girlfriend called me on my way to work to let me know about their affair.  At the time, she sent me spiraling.  He didn’t admit the affair when I called him in hysterics, but he didn’t deny it either.  His reaction was typical: It was my fault.

I drove him to do it,  I didn’t love him enough. I didn’t care enough.  I was a terrible wife and partner and incredibly selfish. That night a friend helped me pack a few things and I left. 

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. Little did I know, my husband’s girlfriend had become my savior, in a sick, twisted way.  She was the conduit that helped me truly see who he was. However, I was just at the tip of the iceberg, beginning to see all I had endured over the years.

“If you are experiencing these behaviors in a relationship you are in an abusive relationship.”         

I remember reading the checklist and at first feeling extremely annoyed.  Then sick.  Then disgusted. 

• Ridicules opinions/beliefs

  • “Hmm Check”

• Belittles or puts you down

  • “Check”

• Continually criticizes or calls names

  • “Check, check?”

• Lies/contradicts, plays mind games

  •  “Check. That’s abuse. Oh God??”

• Withholds access/information about family finances

  •  “I just found out he hadn’t been paying our mortgage or bills for months. CHECK”

• Pushes, kicks

  • “Check”

• Hits, slaps, punches

  • “ Check”

• Locks partner out of home 

  • “Check”

• Abandons partner in dangerous situations

  •  “CHECK.  He left me on the side of the interstate three months prior.”

• Accuses partner of cheating

  • “Check”

• Endangers partner’s sexual health with unprotected sex

  • “Check, he has a girlfriend.”

• Constantly checking texts, emails and/or social media 

  • “Check.  He broke into all my accounts and read my emails.”

All “Checks.” How is this possible?  How the hell am I in an abusive relationship?

I had a great childhood, a loving family, never witnessed my parents fighting.  I had a nice-caring boyfriend in high school and a loving college boyfriend.                                                                          

I was a successful pharmaceutical sales representative at a prominent company.  I made good money.  I graduated college.  I was smart.  I am smart.  How is this happening to me?

And then I thought about it.  Hard.

I realized no one in my family or even any of my friends ever liked my ex-husband.  When I was dating him, my dad even sat me down for a two-hour conversation expressing overwhelming concern through tears that the man I was dating was “toxic, an alcoholic and would not be a true, loving partner in life to me. EVER.”  

This was a big opinion from someone who rarely shares his opinion about anything.

My dad begged me to take a break from the relationship and date other people.  At the time, I was pissed.  How dare he or anyone attack or question the man I loved.  I was determined and excited to spend the rest of my life with him.  

What I failed to realize was, at that moment, my abuser had already won. I was defending him. I was already explaining away and defending his deplorable actions.  My dad continued by giving a laundry list of examples of his abusive behavior hoping to shake me awake.

“He showed up drunk to multiple dinners with your mom and I, including to meet your grandfather!  He criticizes your weight and appearance to random strangers in front of us and to us! The lack of general respect he has for you is disgusting as well as his verbal abuse to your sister and friends.”

I was blind to it.  I mean, I was upset when he showed up drunk to dinners, but he always had an excuse.  And I believed, understood and accepted his explanations and apologies.  And then, they’d happen again.  And again. 8 years of my life explained away. 

After I left him, I finally learned through intense therapy and examination, we are chosen.  Victims like me and you, are kind, a bit naïve, trusting, slightly insecure and seemingly successful.  The abuser hunts for a partner with “good”  looks, success, talent, friends and a supportive family. I was all of those things in my early 20s and blooming when I met him.  

An abuser takes those amazing qualities and breaks them down slowly.  So slowly you don’t know it’s happening so they can control you.  

He methodically stole my kind, naïve nature.  He broke me in so many ways I didn’t realize it until I was out of it.  He stripped me of the little confidence I had by exposing me to sexual acts I wasn’t comfortable with.  He openly compared me to past partners. He criticized my looks.  One one day I was “gorgeous” and the next day “you could be beautiful if you lost 15-20 pounds.” He would compare my body to a porn star or stripper’s body and so I could really understand, he’d show me pictures and videos. 

When I would question his drinking, he would become aggressive and tell me I was the reason he drank the way he did, or that he wasn’t consuming more than what was “normal.”  To be clear, there was nothing normal about consuming a 1.5L bottle of Kettle One vodka every three days. 

 He repeatedly told me “you will never find anyone as good as me, you’re lucky you even have me.”     And I believed him.

I made more money than him, yet I had to ask him permission to buy work clothes.  On his days off, when we would have planned date nights, he wouldn’t come home.  One time he left for three days and couldn’t be found and didn’t answered his phone.  

When my parents announced their divorce after 37 years of marriage, I was devastated and looking for  support.  He made fun of me and my family, joking that “things made sense now, this is why your parents never liked me because their marriage was a disaster.”

He destroyed my relationship with my family.  No one wanted to be around him and as a result of me.  My sister was expecting her first child and asked me to be the godmother.  However, he was not allowed near the baby or her family ever again. I was thrilled to be the godmother to my sister’s first child. He was annoyed and pushed the issue that he couldn’t attend the baptism with me, so I pushed it with my sister.  My sister withdrew her invitation for me to be the godmother.  He cost me the most important relationship I’d yet to have. Yet, according to him, my sister was the “bitch.”

He is a police officer in a major city.  Someone we are supposed to go to for protection, but he scared the shit out of me.  When we would have disagreements, he would decide it was the perfect time to clean all his guns.  One time, I was getting ready for work, in my bra and underwear and I made a smart-ass comment to him; he grabbed me by the back of the neck, threw me to the floor, put his knee in the nape of my neck and handcuffed me. A very common hold most police officers use against criminals. Except I was his wife.  He wouldn’t let me go until I “calmed down” which was essentially until I stopped crying.  

I was in love with him.  I was addicted to the cycles of the highs and lows of an abusive relationship and I didn’t know it because it was all I knew. Break me down, love me, break me down.  It’s how he trained me to be with him. If you have ridden this rollercoaster you know it doesn’t feel like a choice.

I lost my voice. 

I was with a man who took away my ability to trust my truth.  There is nothing scarier than feeling like you can’t trust your own mind.   I was emotionally dependent on the toxicity that was disguised as love.  Always anxious.  Terrified.  Voiceless.  Alone.

I share part of my story because even 11 years out of the marriage, I am still healing.  I have created an incredibly full life on my own; loving friends, a supportive family and an incredibly successful career that I never truly imagined I could create.  Yet some days, I feel like I take five steps forward and three steps back. 

Being raw and vulnerable has become my superpower over the years. There is strength in this vulnerability that helps people stand taller.  

There is no standard “type” who can fall victim to abuse.  I am here to share my experience so you see that.  To let you know that you are not alone.  That abuse can happen to strong women. That abuse can happen really, to anyone. I am also here to share that healing doesn’t happen overnight and triggers are a bitch.  

But we are a community at For Your Record.  We don’t judge.  We don’t assume.  We don’t question.  We know.  

We know that some days you won’t be able to get out of bed and other days that getting out of bed is a win.  We know that part of healing is questioning yourself constantly, because you have been conditioned to.  And that’s ok.  We’re here to help you trust yourself again.  We know that confidence and self-love is a lifelong journey, whether you are a victim of abuse or not.  We know that you are enough, and you deserve the best.  We are here to help. To remind you every day of your worth and your strength.

And the first step is getting yourself out. We can help.

*This is a survivor story shared by S.M., a founding board member at For Your Record.