Digitally Untangling Yourself From Your Abuser
Written by: Lisa Abelar, For Your Record founder
I once met a woman I had found on OfferUp to buy a pair of sneakers from her. When she handed them to me, she said, “I had a boyfriend. We bought these matching pairs and wore them twice. We broke up and I just want them gone.”
She held her hands up to me, as if to say, take them. I nodded because I understood…all of it.
Purging sneakers and photos and other gifts comes with the territory when relationships end. And when it comes to the end of abusive relationships, there are a few other heightened concerns to navigate — one of which is the process of digitally untangling yourself from the relationship.
Abusers thrive on control, and when a survivor leaves the relationship, the digital landscape is one of few avenues of control that remains. With shared accounts, or even accounts where the abuser knows the login credentials, unauthorized purchases could be made, posts to platforms could be made, and digital and physical activity can be monitored.
The potential for harassment and additional stress is almost endless unless you proactively take steps to protect yourself. But in today’s day and age, the list of accounts can be lengthy. From streaming to shopping to social media, banking, travel, investments, email, phone, security…the list is extensive.
It can seem overwhelming. It can seem like such a hassle, especially if you’re trying to move and gain an order of protection and figure out the rest of your life. And some accounts might seem like, “Meh, who cares if our iTunes is still connected.”
You should care — about it all. Every last password, shared account and common login. If it’s your financial information on that oh-who-cares-iTunes account, there’s nothing to stop an ex from running up a peppy little tab on it, just for a dose of lyrical revenge.
At For Your Record, we’ve heard time and again from survivors who are facing this task. And as survivors, we’ve been through it ourselves. But, we don’t know all the answers. I, for one, don’t do Apple — leaving me with few answers for survivors trying to extract themselves from a joint iCloud.
So, we went to experts to get some tips that should act as a guide for anyone navigating this season of unrest. My Computer Works, an Arizona-based IT support company for individuals and businesses, offered advice on a number of common digital entanglements. With any luck, these tips will help streamline the process.
Get a new email. Not only so you can reset passwords and communicate freely, but because gmail accounts are linked to other Google activities, like maps. Start fresh, and if you’re worried about missing emails from the other account, redirect it to the new account. It’s easy. And worth it.
Get a new phone plan. This could be tricky, depending on the type of contract you have with your provider or how the account is set up (for example, if you are not authorized to make changes to the account). But, a safe phone is critical. Mint Mobile offers contract-free plans for around $20/month. If you have to, even for a little bit, get a temporary phone just so you aren’t monitored. *I’m on it and it works JUST FINE.
Change passwords. If you ignore security experts and use the same password for everything, and if that password is known to your abusive ex, you’re going to need to switch everything. If you and your ex keep a password manager, delete the passwords you need to from that account (even if you change them). When you change your passwords, switch them to something your ex would never guess. Some suggestions include:
What you would call your abuser’s mom behind her back.
Song lyrics or the first letter of each word from a song title you can’t stop singing because it makes you feel so empowered.
A place or experience you want to do now that no one will tell you that you can’t.
A favorite garment of clothing, a favorite scent or a favorite theatrical or literary character.
*some of these are meant to be tongue in cheek, but think in terms of a phrase or combo of letters/numbers that your ex would NEVER figure out.
Change security answers. Depending how long you’ve been together, and whether or not your ex paid attention when you were talking about the name of your kindergarten teacher or your best friend’s first name in elementary school, you likely need to change answers to your security questions. This is particularly important for financial accounts. If none of the other security questions offer reasonable options for you, change the answers to your current questions — even if you have to make up a street or teacher’s name.
Update online accounts. Once you get a new email address, you’ll have to go into each of your streaming, shopping and social media accounts individually and change the account information in addition to the passwords. If you can’t, like if you’re not authorized to make changes on those accounts, delete any financial information linked to you from the established accounts and start new accounts JUST FOR YOU.
Adjust your iCloud settings. For Apple users, the iCloud can be everything. Understood. I will not attempt to go step-by-step here on how to make adjustments, but I will instead link to an Apple support page that gives easy-to-follow instructions.
While these tips don’t cover all of the bases, because abusers are sneaky and will tend to search for and exploit any minuscule sliver of information, it should give survivors a good start. And yes, it will take time. Chip away at it. Do the best you can. Make a phone call to account support, if you need to, to get around some of the stumbling blocks you might run into.
Sometimes, they can help and other times the answer may just simply be, “Start over.”
And that’s okay. That’s what you’re doing, in a fresh, healthy way. I will say from experience, the best part about choosing yourself (for once) over the life you had been living is carving out a space that is peacefully yours. Some of that peace comes in the wake of making account changes.
Avoid the torture and frustration that will come from unauthorized charges, restricted access, monitored movements and hack-style posts to your social media accounts. Head that all off by taking the time to secure ALL of your accounts, even the ones that seem inconsequential.
To learn more about My Computer Works, and the support they offer individuals and businesses, visit https://mycomputerworks.com/.